


Ugly - A Recovery Oneshot

by hisgraceciel



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, M/M, Mental Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Modern AU, Past Rape/Non-con, please do not read if you are sensitive to these things! this is just my vent work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 19:53:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18901522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hisgraceciel/pseuds/hisgraceciel
Summary: Ciel reflects on how he looks and his past problems.Pre-Recovery, just when the problems start.If you are sensitive to mentions of physical and mental domestic abuse, please do not read this!





	Ugly - A Recovery Oneshot

**Author's Note:**

> Okay
> 
> This was written in a moment where I was having some problems with my mental health - so yes, this is short, but it's more or less for venting.
> 
> Just so you know:
> 
>  **If you or someone you know is being abused, by family, a friend, or a significant other, speak up and help them or help yourself. You do not have to wait for a knight in shining armor - Ciel himself realizes how bad it is and takes the help he's given. I have been there, and I know others who have been as well.** This is in no way romanticized. I have been in abusive relationships. I know people who have been. You do not deserve it no matter what they tell you. You are loved by those who know you.
> 
> Now, on with the show.

Ugly.

Absolutely disgusting.

Ciel looked in the mirror of his bathroom in the college dorm. Fresh out of a shower, with a facial rinse recently done, he stared hard at his reflection.

A recent binge of not eating had slimmed his already trim figure down; and being paler than most, it made it worse. An unsightly side effect, but at least he was thin.

Ugly, ugly, all you are is ugly and everyone knows it. He glared. All his life he had been called alternately beautiful and horrifying. Born with heterochromia, Ciel had worn a contact lense to cover up his violet eye that had slightly weaker vision than the other. He tried not to listen to those who said these things…...

But oh, did it hurt. And so did the comments from his ex boyfriend when he was a teenager over his slightly soft appearance. Easily fixed with holding back on the food and working out more than normal. Even when he had slimmed down, he counted calories and was always seen either running or swimming. It served to strengthen his body as well as his mind.

Then when he was eighteen he met Sebastian at a fair in Cardiff. From there he ended up falling head over heels in love - even if he was in a relationship at the time. A highly abusive one at that. 

It started when he moved in with him. The mental abuse wasn't recognized - this was his only significant other he had, before there were kisses, one night stands.... he never really knew how romantic affection worked, from any view point. Outwardly in public he was perfectly normal, seemed so sweet and gentle. When they were alone it was a whole other story. He tightened his vice like grip around Ciel, almost like a noose. He wasn't allowed to dress a certain way anymore, eat or drink some things, or even _talk_ to some people. There was a point where he hadn't seen Soma, Joker or Doll in months. If he disobeyed him at all there were..... Well he didn't like thinking about it since the scars were still healing.

Claude never left bruises on his neck or any visible place, so no one questioned it. As far as his family was concerned, he was happy in his current relationship. Just busy with school, and work.

But one day, he negotiated his way into heading to a Midsummer's Eve fair with his family. It was Lizzie, his cousin and his aunt Angelina - he really wanted to spend time with them, and there would be hell to pay when he got home, but he was able to dress in all green and forget his problems for a day. The sound of reed pipes, Lizzie's laughter, and the feeling of warm air on his face felt so nice after the darkness of his current life.

But then, he bumped into someone who changed his life. There was a ripple of something, a spark, something he hadn't felt in a _long_ time. He drifted away from his family to spend time with this person, his friends and, oddly, his adopted father (who was a complete gentleman and had mirth in his eyes when he saw his normally suave, sure son turn into a clumsy puppy over this new person). 

His name, his very voice, it was still like a melody in his ears when he went home and put up with the bullshit that Claude put him through.

He started to open up about the things that he went through. Hours spent texting back and forth, and one day he had run into the cafe with tears in his eyes. He broke down and explained the pain, the degradation, the mental isolation. It was then Sebastian finally saw the bruises under the shirts that Ciel wore every day. It horrified him. And it scared him even more that Ciel was willing to go back and sometimes _excuse_ the things that absolute asshole put him through.

Sebastian got him out of it. He coaxed and pleaded for Ciel to leave, he could tell how badly it messed him up, saw too many bruises just once, the ones he hid from his family. He remembered vividly the night Sebastian took all of his belongings and drove him to his house, gave him the spare room until school started again, and protected him when _he_ came to look for him. 

It had been around eight pm in September, before Ciel was due back at school, when Claude did something that finally broke their relationship. Something that was inexcusable; that left Ciel broken for hours, even days afterword, something he would keep his lips shut about. But at least a doctor's visit afterwards quelled his fears of lasting issues, and he opened up about what happened with everyone.

His family wasn't angry at him, his friends weren't. Some of them knew something was wrong but couldn't prove it, no matter how hard they tried. 

In that time frame….. A lot changed. He had come out of a bad relationship and wasn’t ready to open up again. Sebastian watched him heal and fell even more in love with this hurt and pained human being. Ciel knew he loved him more than anything and would try to protect him no matter what. They had been dating for two years before the question was brought up, and they got engaged.

He should be happy. He was with his friends, his fiancee, and his schooling.

But…….

But oh, he still thought he was absolutely ugly. He couldn’t stand the sun due to his pale skin, it irritated it and all he did was turn pink for a few days before going back to that blasted shade of pasty white. Toners didn’t help at all, and even with sunscreen or tanning lotion it never happened.

He never told Sebastian these thoughts. He didn’t want him to see this side, the side that was dark and twisted, thought things in the dead of night he was ashamed to show in the light. The mental abuse he had gone through was still working its torture on him even now, with therapy and both his family's and Sebastian's overwhelming love and support.

“Fucking stupid, idiot, ugly trash.” he muttered under his breath before swinging his fist back and colliding it with the mirror in front of him, sending glass and blood flying.

"You don't deserve him....." came from his lips before he was discovered.

“Ciel!” his dorm mate had heard the shatter of glass, and bashed the door down. “What the hell are you doing?!?!” Soma rushed in and quickly ascertained the damage to Ciel’s hand wasn’t fatal, but still looked painful.

“It was an accident.” the young man muttered. “Slipped and fell, my hand went for the mirror when I tried to steady myself….”


End file.
